Is it normal that a partner checks your phone, demands an explanation for how you spend your money or monitors who you’re “allowed” to spend time with?

The answer might seem obvious, but research from Our Watch found that one in two Australians find it difficult to recognise non-physical abuse in a relationship, even though one in four women have experienced at least one incident of non-physical abuse from a partner.

As a campaigner working to help end violence against women, I have often been told, mostly by men, that they would never hit a woman.

It’s a good start, but not hitting your partner seems like we’re setting the bar awfully low for what we consider to be acceptable male behaviour. Not hitting your partner should be a given, but so should other forms of abuse that cause fear or are grounded in power and control.

Looking back, for my sister Nikita, who was violently murdered by her partner in 2015, her killer was one of those men. It didn’t start with him hitting her. It rarely does. It started with him trying to control how she spent money, snooping through her phone, and even telling her who she was “allowed” to be friends with or how often she could see us – her family.

Looking back, for my sister Nikita, who was violently murdered by her partner in 2015, her killer was one of those men. It didn’t start with him hitting her. It rarely does. It started with him trying to control how she spent money, snooping through her phone and even telling her who she was “allowed” to be friends with or how often she could see us – her family.

To him, being an intimate partner meant Nikita was his possession and thus, his actions were justified. The scariest part is that thinking about women in such ways is surprisingly common.

I tell you this because Nikita’s murder, and the 20 women in Australia who have been violently killed this year, could have all been prevented, if we all had a better understanding of how to ascertain non-physical forms of abuse before it escalates.

Violence against women includes a range of actions used to coerce and control women – it does not always include physical assault. This abuse can be financial, social, emotional or psychological, spiritual, and technological, as well as stalking behaviour.

With Australians spending more time at home to stop the spread of COVID-19, many are feeling the financial pinch from sudden job losses or a significantly reduced income. Some are experiencing greater social isolation while others are juggling supervising children with their virtual school work while trying to work from home.

During this period of forced confinement, there are increased reports of violence against women, including domestic and family violence. In March, online traffic to domestic violence helpline 1800 RESPECT significantly increased, while there was a 39 per cent increase in urgent applications filed in the Family Court.

It is important to note that while these kinds of stress-related factors can increase the severity and frequency of violence against women, they do not in themselves “cause” or drive violence against women.

We know from the evidence that violence against women is driven by gender inequality, which persists through our archaic structures, norms and practices that unevenly distribute economic, social and political power and resources between women and men.

As an ambassador for Our Watch, I am proud to help relaunch its No Excuse for Abuse campaign to raise awareness of non-physical forms of abuse, because abuse is made up of more than physical assault. Seemingly harmless behaviour can escalate, and when it does, it can end with murder.

We all need to be clear – men and women – that this kind of behaviour is wrong, that we shouldn’t justify monitoring our partner’s movements or make excuses for a boyfriend’s controlling actions. We need to be able to identify it and not give their excuses any airtime, because there aren’t any.

So, is it normal that a partner checks your phone, demands an explanation for every dollar spent or actively monitors who you’re “allowed” to spend time with?

The answer is simple. There is never an excuse for abuse.

 

 

Written by Tarang Chawla, an Our Watch ambassador. Originally published on Rendezview on 22 May 2020.

If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, family or domestic violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000.